The night of Destruction - the intro of Swooley

The night of Destruction

The night began with me and a few other friends.  My friends Tobin, Johnson, Topher, and I were playing a spirited game of beer pong early in the evening at Tobin’s apartment.  We were using a wonderfully crafted beer pong table that resembled a football field but had the slothful Bengals logo in the ends zones where our cups were.  The table was created by Tobin's roommate Swooley.  It is important to discuss old Swooley because he is a giant faggot with no friends and believes he is the next John D Rockefeller.   Swooley is currently working as an insurance salesman of some sort and fooled some local college into hiring him as a part-time professor to teach dumbass college kids about social media.  If you have the slightest shimmer of intelligence you can figure this shit out on your own.  He wears make-up, eye-liner, bathes in cologne, and looks like a male version of Sarah Jessica Parker from South Park.  Blogspot will not allow me to post a picture.  It basically looks like the most dreadful thing you can think of.  It resembles Indian food that has been wrapped up in a diaper baking in the sun for days, Freddie Cougar in a dress, or a mutated piece of shit with eyes.  That image was really key here to make this funny.  If you google image "Sarah Jessica Parker South Park" you will get the full effect.  More than likely he was probably anally raped as a child.  If he reads this it will probably hurt his feelings and I will get a pointless email or phone call asking me to take it down.  I will not listen and simply laugh in his face.  He is a flat out doushbag and will probably die alone.  More on him later.

The beer pong game became a heated battle as the testosterone filled the room and friendly ball-busting became more and more personal.  Small insults from “I skull-fucked your mom” evolved into “I can’t believe you hooked up with that girl…she has herpes and her ass looks like she dropped a load of the green-apple splatters in her pants”.  This girl was probably one of the most disgusting and most over-rated girl's that many of my friends hooked up with.  Thank God I didnt because she would probably snap my Ivory tusk off.  Ugly bitch.  Anyway, tempers flared and after our 9^th game, Johnson suggested that we all calm down and smoke a fat blunt.  We eagerly obliged.  We continued our game of beer pong when, suddenly, someone brought out a bottle of John Collins.  Whatever the hell that is we didn’t know but we took turns chugging.  Someone then brought out a bottle of tequila, which is basically rotted Mexican piss water, at which point we thirstily consumed the bottle as we began screaming after each chug like a drunken Mel Gibson.  We then commenced to throwing empty bottles at our landlord’s house because we did not respect him and he was terrified we would knife him or something.  We then took turns karate-kicking holes into the wall.  It was a genuine shit-show.  Someone then came up with the smart idea that we drive over to our other friend’s house who were also entrenched in a heated battle of beer pong.  The night was filled with reckless behavior, heavy drinking, and the sharing of bodily fluids with stupid whores.  We were also arrested in front of a Captain D’s for reasons I cannot remember.  Straight gangster.  I am going to stop here because now I am trying too hard to make a great night sound funny.   Lastly, I must emphasize when you see Swooley teach you see the true ugliness of mankind.